No matter how hard I try to stay positive, by the end of the day I still feel I am trudging through a dark, endless tunnel. Hope turns into quiet desperation.
Why is it that the two most important things I want now in my life -living together with my girlfriend, working on the job I love while making a great life- seem farther and farther away?
Ever since I can remember, I've always rejected the poor, bankrupt life. I do not want it. I'd rather go crazy than stay consciously poor indefinitely.
The limitations of poverty hurt a lot. I don't freaking want this.
It's been frustration after frustration. How much longer does God or the frigging Universe think I am gonna take it?
Certainly, I am grateful for my daughter's increasing success. I am grateful for my girlfriend's great love. I am grateful for my dog Juanita.
I am grateful for my overall health…
But these foundations are somehow threatened by my dwindling bank account and the lack of financial prospects.
Sometimes, I feel I am being forsaken by God. Sometimes, I feel I don't exist for the Universe.
Other times I wonder, what if there is no God, no Universe, and that all the good and bad things happening to me are the result of some random, cosmic, cruel joke? What if there's a God that turns out to be a mean kid playing dice with me and my fellow human beings? That's when I realize the storyteller in me is helping cope with the frustration.
I've been taking action to the best of my ability. I keep saying to myself that I have to keep going. No matter what.
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